I rated this book with only 1 star out of 5 for several reasons: the lack of a real editor, the childish writing style, the typical Tolkien-esque world set-up...but the main reason for my utter dislike of this book is the base creatures she calls "characters." The protagonist, Derac, and his love-interest, Kie, are a couple typical of most amateur porn: they lack personality and integrity.
My review contains spoilers.
Derac watched his wife die an unrealistic death in Chapter 1, which reads more like a prologue than an actual chapter. Derac reveals toward the climax that he hunted down and tortured his wife's murderers, though he wisely recognizes that doing so couldn't bring her back, and that he'll have to live with his guilt. One would imagine, then, that he would not encourage torture when faced with the true killer--that he would warm the reader's heart by honorably allowing the justice system (for which he pledges his life) to do its duty. He disappoints.
Kie is the author, to put it bluntly. Kierianna is a Mary Sue, a character with all the virtues of her author, and talent where she has flaws. For example, Anastasia's daddy issues spill through as Kie's ability to catch any man she wants--and even some she doesn't. Though Kie considers this a curse, she seems to expect blatant adoration with nonchalant disdain: "“The one time you [all] agree is to protect my honor? That’s sweet. Thank you."
Kie is a tomboy, a trait I can identify with readily enough, but her perfection is laughable. Her need to muffle her femininity could come from her troubled past as a child-sex-slave for the dwarves, but instead, the author claims that wearing dresses and caring for one's appearance is superficial; so instead of making this display of masculinity evidence of Kie's insecurity, the author intends it as a choice made from pride.
Kie and Derac supposedly share a deep and meaningful love, but they never say so to one another. Instead, they exchange compliments based on their attractiveness. In a nutshell, they are in lust, not love. They never have a meaningful conversation that affords them an opportunity to love. They have a significant moment when they're planning their infiltration of the Gorgot Mines, and they sympathize with one another when Kie learns about Derac's wife, but neither of these scenes work to endear one to the other--let alone to the reader.
The intended foil to Kie is the only other female on the Kinir Elite team: Aeli. She is consistently described as stupid, slutty, and superficial, though she actually displays the opposite traits. The only time she does anything stupid is when she speaks out of turn. She is considered slutty because she lets the traitor think that she is loyal to him by letting him sleep with her, but she did so to keep her team alive. That's selflessness personified. Finally, if she's superficial just because she's proud to be a woman, then this author has written the most sexist book since the Twilight series. Aeli is disrespected, dumped by Jardel, basically raped by the traitor, and she's given no comfort or support. She even works next to her ex-boyfriend until the book's close without any thoughts or actions that hint at spite. In the author's quest to make her deuteragonist perfect, she's alienated her readers, and so created a foil to the intended foil.
I would recommend this book to teenagers if it weren't so sexist, as that seems to be the target audience (even though she claims she enchants adults, I was more disenchanted). Typos hindered the unimaginative sentence structures, and someone with a high school degree could tell have told her how one-dimensional her "characters" were. Ultimately, this book was a Mary-Sue love-fest between the author (Kie) and the character once modeled after her dad. It is little more than a shallow romance with action scenes (suspiciously similar to Lord of the Rings) propelling a predictable plot...yet another self-published mistake.
You can keep the 50 cents for Wounded Warrior...I want my $4.49 back.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Mary Sue of Purity Flame: Part 3--The Unintended Foil
You've seen a foil before--it's the character whose main purpose is to make another character (usually the protagonist) look better. Think Cinderella's step-sisters: they were petty and conniving and ugly; Cinderella could have just sat there and you'd sympathize with her. By default, the foil usually mirrors in fault what the protagonist has in virtue. For example, in Pride and Prejudice, heroine Elizabeth Bennet is sensible and charming; her sister, Lydia, is silly and obnoxious.
The Mary Sue's same-gender companions are foils by default; no one can measure up to the perfection of Mary Sue. However, because the Mary Sue is by definition unsympathetic, she often becomes the true foil to the flawed, real characters who were meant to be foils to her. Such is the case in Harley V. Palmer's Purity Flame.
The intended foil to Mary-Sue Kie is Aeli, the only other female of the Kinir Elite. She is described as stupid, slutty, and superficial, which means that Kie should be smart, wholesome, and down-to-earth.
All the major characters of Purity Flame look down on Aeli for her alleged stupidity, though the only evidence of this is the one time she speaks out-of-turn in front of Commander Palto. I found this charmingly naive, not purposely disrespectful. Alternately, if she is stupid because she was duped by the traitor, then Derac, Kie, and the rest of the Kinir Elite are stupid, as well. The allegation that Aeli is stupid is inconclusive if not entirely wrong.
Aeli is flirtatious, not slutty. She could cross the line into promiscuity, but never is this documented in the book. In fact, there is more evidence the prove she is not a slut than there is to condemn her as one:
It is suggested that Aeli is admitted to the Kinir Elite solely for her attractiveness, and that her abilities as a warrior are sub-par. Despite Kie's beauty--which tempts every man she comes in contact with--her abilities are not questioned. Kie is paraded around by the author as a workaholic tomboy; Aeli is the flirtatious airhead. As the deuteragonist, Kie is expected to be the female reader's sympathetic character; however, she is damaging to all womankind.
Kie tries to diminish her womanhood by keeping her hair in a braided bun, wearing only the masculine (or at least gender-neutral) Elite uniform, and scoffing at every element of femininity in the book. Since she is given attention, respect, and even praise, she is the character that young women will try to emulate.
Aeli is naive, trusting, flirtatious, outspoken, and courageous, and yet female readers are being told to disregard her. Aeli is disrespected by being called names, dumped by Jardel, basically raped by the traitor, and she's given no comfort or support. She may be flawed, but in a job full of masculine influences, where women are not allowed to make a mistake, and her allies--the "honorable" good guys--consider her stupid, slutty, and superficial, Aeli has the courage to remain true to herself. She doesn't try to hide who she is. She may have been written to resemble Lydia Bennet, but she has all the cunning, vulnerability, and charm of Marilyn Monroe.
The Mary Sue's same-gender companions are foils by default; no one can measure up to the perfection of Mary Sue. However, because the Mary Sue is by definition unsympathetic, she often becomes the true foil to the flawed, real characters who were meant to be foils to her. Such is the case in Harley V. Palmer's Purity Flame.
The intended foil to Mary-Sue Kie is Aeli, the only other female of the Kinir Elite. She is described as stupid, slutty, and superficial, which means that Kie should be smart, wholesome, and down-to-earth.
All the major characters of Purity Flame look down on Aeli for her alleged stupidity, though the only evidence of this is the one time she speaks out-of-turn in front of Commander Palto. I found this charmingly naive, not purposely disrespectful. Alternately, if she is stupid because she was duped by the traitor, then Derac, Kie, and the rest of the Kinir Elite are stupid, as well. The allegation that Aeli is stupid is inconclusive if not entirely wrong.
Aeli is flirtatious, not slutty. She could cross the line into promiscuity, but never is this documented in the book. In fact, there is more evidence the prove she is not a slut than there is to condemn her as one:
- For the majority of the book, she is exclusively tied to her teammate Jardel.
- She lets the traitor think that she is loyal to him by letting him sleep with her, but she did so to keep her team alive. Selflessness personified.
- After Jardel breaks her heart, Aeli is offered a male escort--no charge--and declines. A slut would not be heartbroken, and she would not decline.
It is suggested that Aeli is admitted to the Kinir Elite solely for her attractiveness, and that her abilities as a warrior are sub-par. Despite Kie's beauty--which tempts every man she comes in contact with--her abilities are not questioned. Kie is paraded around by the author as a workaholic tomboy; Aeli is the flirtatious airhead. As the deuteragonist, Kie is expected to be the female reader's sympathetic character; however, she is damaging to all womankind.
Kie tries to diminish her womanhood by keeping her hair in a braided bun, wearing only the masculine (or at least gender-neutral) Elite uniform, and scoffing at every element of femininity in the book. Since she is given attention, respect, and even praise, she is the character that young women will try to emulate.
Aeli is naive, trusting, flirtatious, outspoken, and courageous, and yet female readers are being told to disregard her. Aeli is disrespected by being called names, dumped by Jardel, basically raped by the traitor, and she's given no comfort or support. She may be flawed, but in a job full of masculine influences, where women are not allowed to make a mistake, and her allies--the "honorable" good guys--consider her stupid, slutty, and superficial, Aeli has the courage to remain true to herself. She doesn't try to hide who she is. She may have been written to resemble Lydia Bennet, but she has all the cunning, vulnerability, and charm of Marilyn Monroe.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The Mary Sue of Purity Flame: Part 2--Daddy Issues
The very essence of a Mary Sue is the fulfillment of one's fantasies. She is everything you cannot be, with all your virtues--though magnified--and none of your shortcomings. She can do what you've dreamed of learning to do, and easily. She's the best at it, even.
If you have flat hair, she has bouncy, full locks. If you have a beer belly, she has a taut tummy. She is a perfect specimen with your personality (minus the bad parts) tossed inside. She has not learned from her mistakes because she's never made any. If she has a dark past, it's because bad things happen to her; she has too much foresight to fall into a bad decision, you see, as she's the one usually writing the book.
Harley's father, a US Veteran, has never been supportive of her writing dreams; Harley has said so. Desperate for his approval, she tried to join some branch of the military. Because she failed, Harley had to memorialize her father's dedication to his country in some other way, so she wrote him a book. She at first based the protagonist on him, but he apparently grew into his own personality; his love interest, unfortunately, did not.
Like the Name of a Mary Sue, the characteristics of the Mary Sue fall into either the Wish-Fulfillment or the Cheap Disguise. The first shows some failing in the author, whether it be her appearance, personality, or accomplishments. The second encompasses all the author's positive traits, though in the Mary Sue, they are often exaggerated to put even the creator to shame. The three greatest elements of Kie's character are her dedication, her military rank, and her desirability. Here's how each has come to be:
Harley is dedicated. Say what you want about her plots, characters, and style--she's done more marketing than an 80's power-suit guy. She taught herself web-design in order to make websites for authors. She has like, 19 blogs about writing.
Kie is dedicated. She reads battle strategies for fun, and that's all she reads. Harley has a shelf of writing and style books, but that isn't all she reads! (What a stretch.) Kie isn't interested in frivolous things like brushing her hair or making dresses. She likes to practice by sparring with Elite captains. She breathes Kinir Elite; she wouldn't know what to do without her job, as she's too talented to be just a housewife.
Harley wasn't accepted to the military. She wanted to carry on her father's legacy by joining the So-and-So Guard; though they are not very exclusive, they did not want her. I assume this is because she didn't pass a fitness or an aptitude test.
Kie is a top member of an Elite military force. She is the best marksman on the team, gave the captain of the Tinally Elite a run for his money, and fought with her own commander while she was locked in a wizard's tower (oh, the originality!). Everyone insists that this is where she belongs...probably because her hymen was already busted by a pedophile dwarf, so she can't be married off to anyone respectable. The whore. And, speaking of hymen-busting (my vote for new Olympic sport)...
Harley has Daddy Issues. A lot of people do; it's nothing to flaunt, but it's certainly relate-able. Because of this, she's the kind of girl who squees at any male attention she receives. Girls who have babies in high school? Daddy Issues. Girls who get married when they're eighteen? Daddy Issues! (It wasn't always this way, but in this day and age, it's troofs.) Oh, and don't get me started on the wannabe tomboys who bitch about women. Who do they sound like? Your alcoholic dad? There's a reason for that.
Kie is irresistible to men. Despite her almost obsessive need to downplay her womanhood, she is consistently given more male attention than her flirtatious rival teammate, Aeli. Her captain, her commander, even dwarves (those nasty fuckers!), are all enchanted by this tomboy beauty. Even her male teammates (one of whom is going steady with Aeli) feel a possessiveness for her that suggests hidden amorous intentions, but only on their part--Kie is almost as unimpressed with the opposite gender as she is with her own.
If you have flat hair, she has bouncy, full locks. If you have a beer belly, she has a taut tummy. She is a perfect specimen with your personality (minus the bad parts) tossed inside. She has not learned from her mistakes because she's never made any. If she has a dark past, it's because bad things happen to her; she has too much foresight to fall into a bad decision, you see, as she's the one usually writing the book.
Harley's father, a US Veteran, has never been supportive of her writing dreams; Harley has said so. Desperate for his approval, she tried to join some branch of the military. Because she failed, Harley had to memorialize her father's dedication to his country in some other way, so she wrote him a book. She at first based the protagonist on him, but he apparently grew into his own personality; his love interest, unfortunately, did not.
Like the Name of a Mary Sue, the characteristics of the Mary Sue fall into either the Wish-Fulfillment or the Cheap Disguise. The first shows some failing in the author, whether it be her appearance, personality, or accomplishments. The second encompasses all the author's positive traits, though in the Mary Sue, they are often exaggerated to put even the creator to shame. The three greatest elements of Kie's character are her dedication, her military rank, and her desirability. Here's how each has come to be:
Harley is dedicated. Say what you want about her plots, characters, and style--she's done more marketing than an 80's power-suit guy. She taught herself web-design in order to make websites for authors. She has like, 19 blogs about writing.
Kie is dedicated. She reads battle strategies for fun, and that's all she reads. Harley has a shelf of writing and style books, but that isn't all she reads! (What a stretch.) Kie isn't interested in frivolous things like brushing her hair or making dresses. She likes to practice by sparring with Elite captains. She breathes Kinir Elite; she wouldn't know what to do without her job, as she's too talented to be just a housewife.
Harley wasn't accepted to the military. She wanted to carry on her father's legacy by joining the So-and-So Guard; though they are not very exclusive, they did not want her. I assume this is because she didn't pass a fitness or an aptitude test.
Kie is a top member of an Elite military force. She is the best marksman on the team, gave the captain of the Tinally Elite a run for his money, and fought with her own commander while she was locked in a wizard's tower (oh, the originality!). Everyone insists that this is where she belongs...probably because her hymen was already busted by a pedophile dwarf, so she can't be married off to anyone respectable. The whore. And, speaking of hymen-busting (my vote for new Olympic sport)...
Harley has Daddy Issues. A lot of people do; it's nothing to flaunt, but it's certainly relate-able. Because of this, she's the kind of girl who squees at any male attention she receives. Girls who have babies in high school? Daddy Issues. Girls who get married when they're eighteen? Daddy Issues! (It wasn't always this way, but in this day and age, it's troofs.) Oh, and don't get me started on the wannabe tomboys who bitch about women. Who do they sound like? Your alcoholic dad? There's a reason for that.
Kie is irresistible to men. Despite her almost obsessive need to downplay her womanhood, she is consistently given more male attention than her flirtatious rival teammate, Aeli. Her captain, her commander, even dwarves (those nasty fuckers!), are all enchanted by this tomboy beauty. Even her male teammates (one of whom is going steady with Aeli) feel a possessiveness for her that suggests hidden amorous intentions, but only on their part--Kie is almost as unimpressed with the opposite gender as she is with her own.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The Mary Sue of Purity Flame: Part 1--Kieriannastasia
Sometimes, Mary Sues are painfully obvious--think Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Often, they are only noticeable if you're familiar with the author. It's frightening to find that you have a Mary Sue on your hands. Luckily for my reader (yes, singular, as in Jonas), I am familiar with both the Mary Sue and our author.
Before you think I'm a stalker (I am), understand that Harley V. Palmer and I were once members of the same online writing community. She often shared her ideas, which I (gently, the first few times) would electrocute with my Sith Lord Lightning of Logic. I know her personality and some of her life story. Of course, that's all easy to learn if you have patience and an Internet connection.
To find your author's Mary Sue is a deeply enlightening thing; all at once, you can know the flaws, failures, and fantasies that the author perhaps hoped to keep hidden. The Mary Sue is often the same gender as her writer, though with exaggerated virtues and erased failings. In Purity Flame, the Mary Sue is the protagonist's love interest: Kie.
The most obvious evidence of a Mary Sue is the name. This will fall into the following categories: the Wish-Fulfillment and/or the Cheap Disguise. Bella Swan, from Twilight, is the Wish-Fulfillment name, because it means "beautiful swan." The Cheap Disguise specimen is when the Author and her Sue share some part of their names; think Jane Fairfax in Jane Austen's Emma. Most Sues are a bit of both types.
Kie's name escaped me at first. It's short for Kierianna--a pretentious four syllables, like many Fantasy Sues. Oh, and of course it ends in that generic "-anna," ubiquitous in Fantasy fiction. It reminds me of Anastasia, the author's real first name.
Before you think I'm a stalker (I am), understand that Harley V. Palmer and I were once members of the same online writing community. She often shared her ideas, which I (gently, the first few times) would electrocute with my Sith Lord Lightning of Logic. I know her personality and some of her life story. Of course, that's all easy to learn if you have patience and an Internet connection.
To find your author's Mary Sue is a deeply enlightening thing; all at once, you can know the flaws, failures, and fantasies that the author perhaps hoped to keep hidden. The Mary Sue is often the same gender as her writer, though with exaggerated virtues and erased failings. In Purity Flame, the Mary Sue is the protagonist's love interest: Kie.
The most obvious evidence of a Mary Sue is the name. This will fall into the following categories: the Wish-Fulfillment and/or the Cheap Disguise. Bella Swan, from Twilight, is the Wish-Fulfillment name, because it means "beautiful swan." The Cheap Disguise specimen is when the Author and her Sue share some part of their names; think Jane Fairfax in Jane Austen's Emma. Most Sues are a bit of both types.
Kie's name escaped me at first. It's short for Kierianna--a pretentious four syllables, like many Fantasy Sues. Oh, and of course it ends in that generic "-anna," ubiquitous in Fantasy fiction. It reminds me of Anastasia, the author's real first name.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Chapter 2.2: Purity Flame
The team reached a clearing surrounded by the cliff and a circle (1) of trees. A small cabin sat in the middle with smoke curling from the chimney. For a moment, the image of another house appeared before Derac's eyes (2). A house ablaze (3). He shook his head to (4) clear the picture.
I copied all of this because this paragraph typifies the whole book:
1. Redundant descriptions. A clearing's already a circle of trees, just like snow is already cold.
2. Derac's pain. We get it. I highly doubt anyone could think about the murder of your wife (speculation--no evidence as of 60% through the book about it being murder) so freely. If you want to argue that he can't help it, he certainly couldn't be so stoic all the time...he'd be a little bit unsteady.
3. Fragments. They. Are. Everywhere.
4. People shake their heads a lot. It reminds me of Twatlight.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Chapter 2.1: Purity Flame
I edited these chapters for her. Yes, for free. I wanted to help her write a book that was actually compelling, but she declined, claiming she wanted to keep a specific style for her Kinir Elite Chronicles. Apparently, "shit" is a style, now.
In Chapter 2, ten years after the occurrences of Chapter 1, Derac is leading his team, the Kinir Elite, through the wilderness to a shack where Humans are keeping Fairies hostage.
In the dark, they all looked the same - black uniforms and painted faces. Even in the dark, his keen elf eyes allowed him to see who was who.
This contradiction is the kind of thing that an editor would--and did--notice.
Meet the team:
In the dark, they all looked the same - black uniforms and painted faces. Even in the dark (1), his keen elf eyes allowed him to see who was who.(2) Kie, with the tight bun on the back of her head and bow clutched in her hand.(3) Aeli, with her long, curly pony tail, standing taller than Kie.(4) Rakan, the veteran warrior, was (5) easy to spot with his broad shoulders and thick torso. Jardel with his unruly hair falling into his face, his bow snuggled in the quiver.(6) And Tyn, the lone shadow of epic(7) calm.
1. Already mentioned--a contradiction.
2. Colon instead of period
3. Semicolon instead of a period, because you must separate the items of a list if they are long or have commas in the items themselves.
4. Semicolon
5. This is a complete sentence because of the verb "was." To make it mesh with the rest of the list, "was" must be deleted, and the period changed to a semicolon.
6. Semicolon!
7. "Epic" means long...as in, the poems. Thank frat boys for overusing "epic fail" to the point where even housewives with too much time on their hands mistake this word's definition as "great."
In Chapter 2, ten years after the occurrences of Chapter 1, Derac is leading his team, the Kinir Elite, through the wilderness to a shack where Humans are keeping Fairies hostage.
In the dark, they all looked the same - black uniforms and painted faces. Even in the dark, his keen elf eyes allowed him to see who was who.
This contradiction is the kind of thing that an editor would--and did--notice.
Meet the team:
In the dark, they all looked the same - black uniforms and painted faces. Even in the dark (1), his keen elf eyes allowed him to see who was who.(2) Kie, with the tight bun on the back of her head and bow clutched in her hand.(3) Aeli, with her long, curly pony tail, standing taller than Kie.(4) Rakan, the veteran warrior, was (5) easy to spot with his broad shoulders and thick torso. Jardel with his unruly hair falling into his face, his bow snuggled in the quiver.(6) And Tyn, the lone shadow of epic(7) calm.
1. Already mentioned--a contradiction.
2. Colon instead of period
3. Semicolon instead of a period, because you must separate the items of a list if they are long or have commas in the items themselves.
4. Semicolon
5. This is a complete sentence because of the verb "was." To make it mesh with the rest of the list, "was" must be deleted, and the period changed to a semicolon.
6. Semicolon!
7. "Epic" means long...as in, the poems. Thank frat boys for overusing "epic fail" to the point where even housewives with too much time on their hands mistake this word's definition as "great."
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Chapter 1: Purity Flame
Straight to business. I like fantasy, but the Tolkien wannabes out there kind of get on my nerves. Now, this particular indie book is a little different. The elves are more like a S.W.A.T. team, which was a cool idea when BestFriendChris thought of it two years ago. At the time, Harley, the author, said that elves with guns was a stupid idea. Then BAM! A year later, she's completed her first novel about an elven military and has it "make rounds" through publishers. Well...no one wanted it. So she thought she'd indie publish.
The problem with this story is that its author suffers from a severe case of Unwarranted Self-Importance. She is an Elitist who uses her two best friends as her crit partners. They allegedly finished critiquing her novel in one night. See the evidence below the summary of Chapter One of Purity Flame by Harley V. Palmer.
"Fire raged inside his soul while the house burned down around him." Here's our first sentence. On the whole, it doesn't smack of originality, but I've seen worse, too. It kind of makes the real fire seem not so important as the one in his soul, and the reader assumes this man is at home. Actually, he's at his team's headquarters, which I guess you could call his home, but I actually pictured a house...which is generally not what a military headquarters is.
So we're thrown into what the author intends to be an adrenaline fest. Derac Vidor is an elf who is the captain of the Kinir Elite, which is like the Delta Force of the elf world. He's pulled out of the fire by his best friend, Tyn. Derac's wife, Maleena, is killed in the fire, and he is shattered. He has nightmares every night, even a decade later, but he doesn't go crazy, because he's a bauss elf with bauss-elf powers. This whole, three-page chapter is really a prologue, but I think that Harley must have read somewhere that prologues are looked down upon. Maybe she took to heart what I said about prologues a few years ago. Doubt it.
In three pages, I have about forty notes. If that isn't evident of her lacking editorial skills, maybe these sentences will help:
His best friend Tyn stood over him. The elf's gentle brown eyes stared (1) at him with concern. Derac shook his head, clearing it of the smoke induced (2) haze.
1. If the eyes stared, do they have their own eyes? This is a misuse of personification, wherein an inanimate object takes on the attributes of a human. (The moon followed me home.) However, you do not use personification to make eyes stare. People stare. Cats stare. Eyes do not stare.
2. Now let's look at her typo: smoke induced. She doesn't know what a dash is, obviously, because she makes this mistake a thousand times in her book. What this clause, "clearing it of the smoke induced haze," is saying, is that clearing his head of the smoke induced a haze in him. Dashes are kind of important.
The smell (1) of burning wood riveted his gaze on the building. The flames ate the house bit by bit. The wood cracked and splintered as the fire grew hotter. The smell (1) of burnt flesh hung thick (2) in the air. Haunting. Dark. Beautiful. (3)
1. She's already talked about the smell. She obviously didn't write a second draft, because this is the kind of thing you catch when you actually edit your writing. If you talk about smell twice in the same paragraph, but allude to two different smells, you should combine the sentences; if they talk about the same smell, you'd delete one, yes?
2. This is a poorly worded sentence. Technically, "thick" should be "thickly," though I'm sure she meant that the smell hung in the thick air, not that it hung thickly.
3. The only note I have for this one is "No." Is she implying that the smell of burning flesh is beautiful? Her protagonist Derac certainly wouldn't think so.
Who was screaming? Maleena! Derac shot to his feet and sprinted toward the door. He collided with Tyn (1) who pushed him back from the blast of heat.
1. Comma.
"You can't save them (1), Derac!"
"Watch me!(2)" Derac punched his friend in the face. (3)
Tyn’s head snapped back from the force. He didn’t flinch (4) and returned (5) an uppercut to Derac’s chin. Before Derac could recover, Tyn stepped behind him and forced his arms behind his back. He struggled against the hold, feeling a sharp pull in his joints. If he fought harder, it would dislocate his shoulders (6).
1. He says "them," but it's only ever mentioned that Derac's wife dies--no one else. Poor Maleena.
2. I think I said this once in the sixth grade. This could be more powerful if he didn't say anything at all.
3. Haha.
4. He didn't flinch, but his head snapped back. What? It's not a flinch! I think she meant to say that he didn't hesitate.
5. He can return with an uppercut, but if Derac didn't give him an uppercut first, he certainly can't return it.
6. BestFriendChris is a former Marine. He assured me that someone with proper military training can get out of this. He described some sort of funky maneuver that confused me, but I believe him. Harley's not too great at research.
Phew. That was a lengthy note.
Ash mixed with snowflakes(1) and coated the two elves. Hot cinders fell on their skin and burned small holes in their tunics (2).
1. Is this even possible? I know ashes can land on snow, and create a sort of chocolate milk thing, but can it actually mix together before it lands and stay mixed?
2. If the ashes mix with snow, how can it be hot enough to burn through fabric? One or the other.
A blood curdling(1) scream(2) pierced the cool night air(3) and a ball of fire raced from the door of the house. The sight squeezed Derac’s heart as he recognized his once beautiful(4) wife. Her blackened flesh flaked off her arms. The firm body he loved (5) and cherished(6) collapsed into the snow, snuffing the flames on her skin (7). Her burned carcass lay against the stark white blanket around her. Stunned, he tried to deny the black mass was his passionate(8) caring wife, but the few locks of golden(9) blonde hair and the gold wedding ring on her finger couldn’t be mistaken.
1. +dash (as in, blood-curdling).
2. "blood-curdling scream" is cliche.
3. +comma
4. +dash (as in, once-beautiful). The phrase is being used as an adjective, which means it requires a dash. It wouldn't need a dash if it was worded "His wife, once beautiful,now a fried bit of Elven bacon, etc...."
5. This makes Derac sound shallow.
6. Redundant. "Loved and cherished" mean basically the same thing.
7. Okay, this one is a matter of personal opinion, I'll admit. Remember when you were on a pre-school field trip at that mini-town out by the airport and the firefighter guy told the class that it isn't really the flames you have to worry about, but the smoke? That people die in fires because of the smoke inhalation, not actually burning to a crisp? It's kind of hard to set yourself on fire. I mean, if she were doused in something, that'd be understandable, but (spoiler alert) she was not the intended victim; only the building was set on fire. And maybe if only one part of her body were on fire, it'd be a little more realistic. All I keep picturing is a Goku Saiyan-esque fire emanating from her body. I think this scene would be much more realistic and effective if she'd crawled out of the place and died from some such fire-related complications (such as, I don't know...smoke inhalation?). Or, she could faint inside the building and be burned to a crisp. This is just completely unrealistic to me. I know it can happen, but I read it with a giggle. Sorry.
8. +comma
9. "golden" is redundant. Not only that, but she uses "gold" five words down. Thesaurus win.
His lungs(1) gulped(2) in air as he tried to calm himself and let his training take over.
1. Another form of misused personification. He could gulp air into his lungs, but that would be almost decent writing, which is apparently looked down upon in self-published fantasy.
2. Just making a note, here. You can tell when she really likes a word, because she reuses it like five times in the same chapter. We're all guilty of this, but it's something a decent copyeditor would notice.
Derac lifted the ladle from the water pail and gulped (1) the cool liquid(2).
1. See?
2. Couldn't just say "drank," now, could we? Derac lifted the ladle from the water pail and drank. That could be such a handsome sentence.
Maleena’s body would wait in the cold (1) snow until the fire burned out and the fire brigade(2) turned into the burial team (3).
1. I see what she's trying to do. No, honestly. She's trying to make us feel like Maleena is getting the shaft. However, describing something inherently cold as "cold" isn't the way to do it.
2. I feel like they should have a name. I know she couldn't call them firefighters, because this is high fantasy, but what's wrong with calling them the Kinir Fire Brigade? If they're just a bunch of commoners lining up with buckets, "brigade" isn't the right word.
3. Unless this is just a bunch of regular folk, they would not be the ones performing funerary services. It's Harley's world, sure, but at least have some rules.
"What is the plan?" [Tyn asked Derac.]
"We're going hunting."
Here's the close of our chapter. There's nothing wrong with it to the reader's eye, but to the editor's mind come questions like, "Will the result of this 'hunting' be related to Maleena's death? Is this just a subject change so the chapter can feel closed? Will this 'hunting' ever be mentioned again?"Not at 60% through the novel, no. He hunts the people who are responsible for the arson.
The problem with this story is that its author suffers from a severe case of Unwarranted Self-Importance. She is an Elitist who uses her two best friends as her crit partners. They allegedly finished critiquing her novel in one night. See the evidence below the summary of Chapter One of Purity Flame by Harley V. Palmer.
"Fire raged inside his soul while the house burned down around him." Here's our first sentence. On the whole, it doesn't smack of originality, but I've seen worse, too. It kind of makes the real fire seem not so important as the one in his soul, and the reader assumes this man is at home. Actually, he's at his team's headquarters, which I guess you could call his home, but I actually pictured a house...which is generally not what a military headquarters is.
So we're thrown into what the author intends to be an adrenaline fest. Derac Vidor is an elf who is the captain of the Kinir Elite, which is like the Delta Force of the elf world. He's pulled out of the fire by his best friend, Tyn. Derac's wife, Maleena, is killed in the fire, and he is shattered. He has nightmares every night, even a decade later, but he doesn't go crazy, because he's a bauss elf with bauss-elf powers. This whole, three-page chapter is really a prologue, but I think that Harley must have read somewhere that prologues are looked down upon. Maybe she took to heart what I said about prologues a few years ago. Doubt it.
In three pages, I have about forty notes. If that isn't evident of her lacking editorial skills, maybe these sentences will help:
His best friend Tyn stood over him. The elf's gentle brown eyes stared (1) at him with concern. Derac shook his head, clearing it of the smoke induced (2) haze.
1. If the eyes stared, do they have their own eyes? This is a misuse of personification, wherein an inanimate object takes on the attributes of a human. (The moon followed me home.) However, you do not use personification to make eyes stare. People stare. Cats stare. Eyes do not stare.
2. Now let's look at her typo: smoke induced. She doesn't know what a dash is, obviously, because she makes this mistake a thousand times in her book. What this clause, "clearing it of the smoke induced haze," is saying, is that clearing his head of the smoke induced a haze in him. Dashes are kind of important.
The smell (1) of burning wood riveted his gaze on the building. The flames ate the house bit by bit. The wood cracked and splintered as the fire grew hotter. The smell (1) of burnt flesh hung thick (2) in the air. Haunting. Dark. Beautiful. (3)
1. She's already talked about the smell. She obviously didn't write a second draft, because this is the kind of thing you catch when you actually edit your writing. If you talk about smell twice in the same paragraph, but allude to two different smells, you should combine the sentences; if they talk about the same smell, you'd delete one, yes?
2. This is a poorly worded sentence. Technically, "thick" should be "thickly," though I'm sure she meant that the smell hung in the thick air, not that it hung thickly.
3. The only note I have for this one is "No." Is she implying that the smell of burning flesh is beautiful? Her protagonist Derac certainly wouldn't think so.
Who was screaming? Maleena! Derac shot to his feet and sprinted toward the door. He collided with Tyn (1) who pushed him back from the blast of heat.
1. Comma.
"You can't save them (1), Derac!"
"Watch me!(2)" Derac punched his friend in the face. (3)
Tyn’s head snapped back from the force. He didn’t flinch (4) and returned (5) an uppercut to Derac’s chin. Before Derac could recover, Tyn stepped behind him and forced his arms behind his back. He struggled against the hold, feeling a sharp pull in his joints. If he fought harder, it would dislocate his shoulders (6).
1. He says "them," but it's only ever mentioned that Derac's wife dies--no one else. Poor Maleena.
2. I think I said this once in the sixth grade. This could be more powerful if he didn't say anything at all.
3. Haha.
4. He didn't flinch, but his head snapped back. What? It's not a flinch! I think she meant to say that he didn't hesitate.
5. He can return with an uppercut, but if Derac didn't give him an uppercut first, he certainly can't return it.
6. BestFriendChris is a former Marine. He assured me that someone with proper military training can get out of this. He described some sort of funky maneuver that confused me, but I believe him. Harley's not too great at research.
Phew. That was a lengthy note.
Ash mixed with snowflakes(1) and coated the two elves. Hot cinders fell on their skin and burned small holes in their tunics (2).
1. Is this even possible? I know ashes can land on snow, and create a sort of chocolate milk thing, but can it actually mix together before it lands and stay mixed?
2. If the ashes mix with snow, how can it be hot enough to burn through fabric? One or the other.
A blood curdling(1) scream(2) pierced the cool night air(3) and a ball of fire raced from the door of the house. The sight squeezed Derac’s heart as he recognized his once beautiful(4) wife. Her blackened flesh flaked off her arms. The firm body he loved (5) and cherished(6) collapsed into the snow, snuffing the flames on her skin (7). Her burned carcass lay against the stark white blanket around her. Stunned, he tried to deny the black mass was his passionate(8) caring wife, but the few locks of golden(9) blonde hair and the gold wedding ring on her finger couldn’t be mistaken.
1. +dash (as in, blood-curdling).
2. "blood-curdling scream" is cliche.
3. +comma
4. +dash (as in, once-beautiful). The phrase is being used as an adjective, which means it requires a dash. It wouldn't need a dash if it was worded "His wife, once beautiful,
5. This makes Derac sound shallow.
6. Redundant. "Loved and cherished" mean basically the same thing.
7. Okay, this one is a matter of personal opinion, I'll admit. Remember when you were on a pre-school field trip at that mini-town out by the airport and the firefighter guy told the class that it isn't really the flames you have to worry about, but the smoke? That people die in fires because of the smoke inhalation, not actually burning to a crisp? It's kind of hard to set yourself on fire. I mean, if she were doused in something, that'd be understandable, but (spoiler alert) she was not the intended victim; only the building was set on fire. And maybe if only one part of her body were on fire, it'd be a little more realistic. All I keep picturing is a Goku Saiyan-esque fire emanating from her body. I think this scene would be much more realistic and effective if she'd crawled out of the place and died from some such fire-related complications (such as, I don't know...smoke inhalation?). Or, she could faint inside the building and be burned to a crisp. This is just completely unrealistic to me. I know it can happen, but I read it with a giggle. Sorry.
8. +comma
9. "golden" is redundant. Not only that, but she uses "gold" five words down. Thesaurus win.
His lungs(1) gulped(2) in air as he tried to calm himself and let his training take over.
1. Another form of misused personification. He could gulp air into his lungs, but that would be almost decent writing, which is apparently looked down upon in self-published fantasy.
2. Just making a note, here. You can tell when she really likes a word, because she reuses it like five times in the same chapter. We're all guilty of this, but it's something a decent copyeditor would notice.
Derac lifted the ladle from the water pail and gulped (1) the cool liquid(2).
1. See?
2. Couldn't just say "drank," now, could we? Derac lifted the ladle from the water pail and drank. That could be such a handsome sentence.
Maleena’s body would wait in the cold (1) snow until the fire burned out and the fire brigade(2) turned into the burial team (3).
1. I see what she's trying to do. No, honestly. She's trying to make us feel like Maleena is getting the shaft. However, describing something inherently cold as "cold" isn't the way to do it.
2. I feel like they should have a name. I know she couldn't call them firefighters, because this is high fantasy, but what's wrong with calling them the Kinir Fire Brigade? If they're just a bunch of commoners lining up with buckets, "brigade" isn't the right word.
3. Unless this is just a bunch of regular folk, they would not be the ones performing funerary services. It's Harley's world, sure, but at least have some rules.
"What is the plan?" [Tyn asked Derac.]
"We're going hunting."
Here's the close of our chapter. There's nothing wrong with it to the reader's eye, but to the editor's mind come questions like, "Will the result of this 'hunting' be related to Maleena's death? Is this just a subject change so the chapter can feel closed? Will this 'hunting' ever be mentioned again?"
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Fair Use Series: Introduction
If I knew that this was legal, I would have done it years ago.
One of my favorite blogs to follow is Dana's Reasoning With Vampires on Tumblr. She's reading the Twatlight series and scanning every passage she finds flawed. Before you ask, yes, she has loads of posts. I like her style; she pays neat attention to grammar, and when I wouldn't know where to begin, she pinpoints the error of Stephenie Meyers's ways. Needless to say, I check it daily. Sometimes hourly.
I have stumbled upon a few writers who possess a heaping helping of unwarranted self-importance. (Look it up on Encyclopedia Dramatica if you're not at work, 'cos the article is hilar.) When I find these grotesque beasts, my reaction is to trick them into their own traps. Think "I hate men." "Oh, so you're female?" "No. I hate other* men." "El oh el." It's a little more respectable than that, but there's an idea for you.
When this trickery is insufficient to shut them the eff up, I become annoyed, because that means defeating them will require effort. It is then that I inspect their writing, the meat of their boasts. It should be noted that supreme douchebaggery results in having far too much pride in your alleged "work." It is not work if it is the first draft...and it's published.
Note that "published" does not mean in the more respected traditional sense; didn't you know that the Internet can be used for evil? It has given these bitches with unwarranted self-importance (or, Elitists--remember that, it's important) a medium for falsely inflating their ego. It's called many names, the most vile of which are self-publishing, indie publishing, and e-publishing. Notice the word they share. These Indies are always using it, usually in descriptions of themselves. One notable exception is when they say things like "Traditional publishing just wasn't for me." Watch their tails tuck under their yellow bellies.
I can respect someone who has been published traditionally and decides to go indie. I cannot respect someone who didn't have the discipline to cut the shit out of their manuscripts and polish it for a real publishing house. That's why I'm here--to show you the error of their ways, just as Dana does for Meyers. She cites Folsom v. Marsh: "[A] reviewer may fairly cite largely from the original work, if his design be really and truly to use the passages for the purposes of fair and reasonable criticism."
First off, I'll be critiquing all the little things in "Purity Flame," by Harley V. Palmer*. Spoiler alert: I might as well post the whole novel and put an asterisk after "The End," 'cos the whole fucking book is a mistake.
* This is not the real title, and this is not her real name. SugarSpice Points to anyone not in the know who can figure it out.
One of my favorite blogs to follow is Dana's Reasoning With Vampires on Tumblr. She's reading the Twatlight series and scanning every passage she finds flawed. Before you ask, yes, she has loads of posts. I like her style; she pays neat attention to grammar, and when I wouldn't know where to begin, she pinpoints the error of Stephenie Meyers's ways. Needless to say, I check it daily. Sometimes hourly.
I have stumbled upon a few writers who possess a heaping helping of unwarranted self-importance. (Look it up on Encyclopedia Dramatica if you're not at work, 'cos the article is hilar.) When I find these grotesque beasts, my reaction is to trick them into their own traps. Think "I hate men." "Oh, so you're female?" "No. I hate other* men." "El oh el." It's a little more respectable than that, but there's an idea for you.
When this trickery is insufficient to shut them the eff up, I become annoyed, because that means defeating them will require effort. It is then that I inspect their writing, the meat of their boasts. It should be noted that supreme douchebaggery results in having far too much pride in your alleged "work." It is not work if it is the first draft...and it's published.
Note that "published" does not mean in the more respected traditional sense; didn't you know that the Internet can be used for evil? It has given these bitches with unwarranted self-importance (or, Elitists--remember that, it's important) a medium for falsely inflating their ego. It's called many names, the most vile of which are self-publishing, indie publishing, and e-publishing. Notice the word they share. These Indies are always using it, usually in descriptions of themselves. One notable exception is when they say things like "Traditional publishing just wasn't for me." Watch their tails tuck under their yellow bellies.
I can respect someone who has been published traditionally and decides to go indie. I cannot respect someone who didn't have the discipline to cut the shit out of their manuscripts and polish it for a real publishing house. That's why I'm here--to show you the error of their ways, just as Dana does for Meyers. She cites Folsom v. Marsh: "[A] reviewer may fairly cite largely from the original work, if his design be really and truly to use the passages for the purposes of fair and reasonable criticism."
First off, I'll be critiquing all the little things in "Purity Flame," by Harley V. Palmer*. Spoiler alert: I might as well post the whole novel and put an asterisk after "The End," 'cos the whole fucking book is a mistake.
* This is not the real title, and this is not her real name. SugarSpice Points to anyone not in the know who can figure it out.
Welcome
Writing is hard. I know it comes to you easily, and it's no problem to sit and let the ink run, but making something good and clear and fresh and yours is no walk in the park. I've been writing for a long time, and I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. Scratch that; I don't need to sugarcoat anything (my BMI is 29.36). Writing does not get easier: you just learn to recognize the bad stuff. Ever reread something you wrote ages ago? Typos and stylistic choices probably had you scoffing at yourself, right?
Been there.
I've been writing since I was nine years old, and I went through some really awful stages. When I was twelve, I put a dash after every -ly word (so most adverbs, but not all). Here's an example: Mary Sue's book was hardly-read.
Yeah. I've done that.
My favorite thing to do was to create characters. I'd even sketch them out, and they would have a color to fit their personality. I admit that some of them were flat. I admit that the majority of them were flat. However, each was distinct from the other, even while possessing a lackluster personality. Rereading these old writings made me realize something--I hated my protagonists. I didn't know why: they were crafted without any of my flaws and described in the most flowery prose (to match their unequaled beauty). Even their speech patterns were elevated to some Lord-of-the-Rings-esque ornateness.
The problem was that each of my characters was a Mary Sue. Heard of it? It's when your protagonist is flawless and adored beyond reason. She is the author, though manifested with exaggerated virtues; no failings, baseness, or ignorance; and an audience that just cannot get enough of her (the audience being the other characters, as the reader has already found something else to, ahem, read).
Since learning of this phenomenon, my writing has experienced quite the overhaul. My characters are actually rounded, with imperfections, insecurities, and enemies. I'm very happy with it, now.
That doesn't mean I don't encounter it daily. The essence of this blog is to teach the aspiring author how to avoid the pitfalls I fell into--how to evade the sickening charm of the Mary Sue.
Been there.
I've been writing since I was nine years old, and I went through some really awful stages. When I was twelve, I put a dash after every -ly word (so most adverbs, but not all). Here's an example: Mary Sue's book was hardly-read.
Yeah. I've done that.
My favorite thing to do was to create characters. I'd even sketch them out, and they would have a color to fit their personality. I admit that some of them were flat. I admit that the majority of them were flat. However, each was distinct from the other, even while possessing a lackluster personality. Rereading these old writings made me realize something--I hated my protagonists. I didn't know why: they were crafted without any of my flaws and described in the most flowery prose (to match their unequaled beauty). Even their speech patterns were elevated to some Lord-of-the-Rings-esque ornateness.
The problem was that each of my characters was a Mary Sue. Heard of it? It's when your protagonist is flawless and adored beyond reason. She is the author, though manifested with exaggerated virtues; no failings, baseness, or ignorance; and an audience that just cannot get enough of her (the audience being the other characters, as the reader has already found something else to, ahem, read).
Since learning of this phenomenon, my writing has experienced quite the overhaul. My characters are actually rounded, with imperfections, insecurities, and enemies. I'm very happy with it, now.
That doesn't mean I don't encounter it daily. The essence of this blog is to teach the aspiring author how to avoid the pitfalls I fell into--how to evade the sickening charm of the Mary Sue.
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