The problem with this story is that its author suffers from a severe case of Unwarranted Self-Importance. She is an Elitist who uses her two best friends as her crit partners. They allegedly finished critiquing her novel in one night. See the evidence below the summary of Chapter One of Purity Flame by Harley V. Palmer.
"Fire raged inside his soul while the house burned down around him." Here's our first sentence. On the whole, it doesn't smack of originality, but I've seen worse, too. It kind of makes the real fire seem not so important as the one in his soul, and the reader assumes this man is at home. Actually, he's at his team's headquarters, which I guess you could call his home, but I actually pictured a house...which is generally not what a military headquarters is.
So we're thrown into what the author intends to be an adrenaline fest. Derac Vidor is an elf who is the captain of the Kinir Elite, which is like the Delta Force of the elf world. He's pulled out of the fire by his best friend, Tyn. Derac's wife, Maleena, is killed in the fire, and he is shattered. He has nightmares every night, even a decade later, but he doesn't go crazy, because he's a bauss elf with bauss-elf powers. This whole, three-page chapter is really a prologue, but I think that Harley must have read somewhere that prologues are looked down upon. Maybe she took to heart what I said about prologues a few years ago. Doubt it.
In three pages, I have about forty notes. If that isn't evident of her lacking editorial skills, maybe these sentences will help:
His best friend Tyn stood over him. The elf's gentle brown eyes stared (1) at him with concern. Derac shook his head, clearing it of the smoke induced (2) haze.
1. If the eyes stared, do they have their own eyes? This is a misuse of personification, wherein an inanimate object takes on the attributes of a human. (The moon followed me home.) However, you do not use personification to make eyes stare. People stare. Cats stare. Eyes do not stare.
2. Now let's look at her typo: smoke induced. She doesn't know what a dash is, obviously, because she makes this mistake a thousand times in her book. What this clause, "clearing it of the smoke induced haze," is saying, is that clearing his head of the smoke induced a haze in him. Dashes are kind of important.
The smell (1) of burning wood riveted his gaze on the building. The flames ate the house bit by bit. The wood cracked and splintered as the fire grew hotter. The smell (1) of burnt flesh hung thick (2) in the air. Haunting. Dark. Beautiful. (3)
1. She's already talked about the smell. She obviously didn't write a second draft, because this is the kind of thing you catch when you actually edit your writing. If you talk about smell twice in the same paragraph, but allude to two different smells, you should combine the sentences; if they talk about the same smell, you'd delete one, yes?
2. This is a poorly worded sentence. Technically, "thick" should be "thickly," though I'm sure she meant that the smell hung in the thick air, not that it hung thickly.
3. The only note I have for this one is "No." Is she implying that the smell of burning flesh is beautiful? Her protagonist Derac certainly wouldn't think so.
Who was screaming? Maleena! Derac shot to his feet and sprinted toward the door. He collided with Tyn (1) who pushed him back from the blast of heat.
1. Comma.
"You can't save them (1), Derac!"
"Watch me!(2)" Derac punched his friend in the face. (3)
Tyn’s head snapped back from the force. He didn’t flinch (4) and returned (5) an uppercut to Derac’s chin. Before Derac could recover, Tyn stepped behind him and forced his arms behind his back. He struggled against the hold, feeling a sharp pull in his joints. If he fought harder, it would dislocate his shoulders (6).
1. He says "them," but it's only ever mentioned that Derac's wife dies--no one else. Poor Maleena.
2. I think I said this once in the sixth grade. This could be more powerful if he didn't say anything at all.
3. Haha.
4. He didn't flinch, but his head snapped back. What? It's not a flinch! I think she meant to say that he didn't hesitate.
5. He can return with an uppercut, but if Derac didn't give him an uppercut first, he certainly can't return it.
6. BestFriendChris is a former Marine. He assured me that someone with proper military training can get out of this. He described some sort of funky maneuver that confused me, but I believe him. Harley's not too great at research.
Phew. That was a lengthy note.
Ash mixed with snowflakes(1) and coated the two elves. Hot cinders fell on their skin and burned small holes in their tunics (2).
1. Is this even possible? I know ashes can land on snow, and create a sort of chocolate milk thing, but can it actually mix together before it lands and stay mixed?
2. If the ashes mix with snow, how can it be hot enough to burn through fabric? One or the other.
A blood curdling(1) scream(2) pierced the cool night air(3) and a ball of fire raced from the door of the house. The sight squeezed Derac’s heart as he recognized his once beautiful(4) wife. Her blackened flesh flaked off her arms. The firm body he loved (5) and cherished(6) collapsed into the snow, snuffing the flames on her skin (7). Her burned carcass lay against the stark white blanket around her. Stunned, he tried to deny the black mass was his passionate(8) caring wife, but the few locks of golden(9) blonde hair and the gold wedding ring on her finger couldn’t be mistaken.
1. +dash (as in, blood-curdling).
2. "blood-curdling scream" is cliche.
3. +comma
4. +dash (as in, once-beautiful). The phrase is being used as an adjective, which means it requires a dash. It wouldn't need a dash if it was worded "His wife, once beautiful,
5. This makes Derac sound shallow.
6. Redundant. "Loved and cherished" mean basically the same thing.
7. Okay, this one is a matter of personal opinion, I'll admit. Remember when you were on a pre-school field trip at that mini-town out by the airport and the firefighter guy told the class that it isn't really the flames you have to worry about, but the smoke? That people die in fires because of the smoke inhalation, not actually burning to a crisp? It's kind of hard to set yourself on fire. I mean, if she were doused in something, that'd be understandable, but (spoiler alert) she was not the intended victim; only the building was set on fire. And maybe if only one part of her body were on fire, it'd be a little more realistic. All I keep picturing is a Goku Saiyan-esque fire emanating from her body. I think this scene would be much more realistic and effective if she'd crawled out of the place and died from some such fire-related complications (such as, I don't know...smoke inhalation?). Or, she could faint inside the building and be burned to a crisp. This is just completely unrealistic to me. I know it can happen, but I read it with a giggle. Sorry.
8. +comma
9. "golden" is redundant. Not only that, but she uses "gold" five words down. Thesaurus win.
His lungs(1) gulped(2) in air as he tried to calm himself and let his training take over.
1. Another form of misused personification. He could gulp air into his lungs, but that would be almost decent writing, which is apparently looked down upon in self-published fantasy.
2. Just making a note, here. You can tell when she really likes a word, because she reuses it like five times in the same chapter. We're all guilty of this, but it's something a decent copyeditor would notice.
Derac lifted the ladle from the water pail and gulped (1) the cool liquid(2).
1. See?
2. Couldn't just say "drank," now, could we? Derac lifted the ladle from the water pail and drank. That could be such a handsome sentence.
Maleena’s body would wait in the cold (1) snow until the fire burned out and the fire brigade(2) turned into the burial team (3).
1. I see what she's trying to do. No, honestly. She's trying to make us feel like Maleena is getting the shaft. However, describing something inherently cold as "cold" isn't the way to do it.
2. I feel like they should have a name. I know she couldn't call them firefighters, because this is high fantasy, but what's wrong with calling them the Kinir Fire Brigade? If they're just a bunch of commoners lining up with buckets, "brigade" isn't the right word.
3. Unless this is just a bunch of regular folk, they would not be the ones performing funerary services. It's Harley's world, sure, but at least have some rules.
"What is the plan?" [Tyn asked Derac.]
"We're going hunting."
Here's the close of our chapter. There's nothing wrong with it to the reader's eye, but to the editor's mind come questions like, "Will the result of this 'hunting' be related to Maleena's death? Is this just a subject change so the chapter can feel closed? Will this 'hunting' ever be mentioned again?"
