I edited these chapters for her. Yes, for free. I wanted to help her write a book that was actually compelling, but she declined, claiming she wanted to keep a specific style for her Kinir Elite Chronicles. Apparently, "shit" is a style, now.
In Chapter 2, ten years after the occurrences of Chapter 1, Derac is leading his team, the Kinir Elite, through the wilderness to a shack where Humans are keeping Fairies hostage.
In the dark, they all looked the same - black uniforms and painted faces. Even in the dark, his keen elf eyes allowed him to see who was who.
This contradiction is the kind of thing that an editor would--and did--notice.
Meet the team:
In the dark, they all looked the same - black uniforms and painted faces. Even in the dark (1), his keen elf eyes allowed him to see who was who.(2) Kie, with the tight bun on the back of her head and bow clutched in her hand.(3) Aeli, with her long, curly pony tail, standing taller than Kie.(4) Rakan, the veteran warrior, was (5) easy to spot with his broad shoulders and thick torso. Jardel with his unruly hair falling into his face, his bow snuggled in the quiver.(6) And Tyn, the lone shadow of epic(7) calm.
1. Already mentioned--a contradiction.
2. Colon instead of period
3. Semicolon instead of a period, because you must separate the items of a list if they are long or have commas in the items themselves.
4. Semicolon
5. This is a complete sentence because of the verb "was." To make it mesh with the rest of the list, "was" must be deleted, and the period changed to a semicolon.
6. Semicolon!
7. "Epic" means long...as in, the poems. Thank frat boys for overusing "epic fail" to the point where even housewives with too much time on their hands mistake this word's definition as "great."
